Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
Welcome to Love Unpacked Nation Digital's podcast about all things love and relationships. This is episode one, and today I have two guests with me from the Or Unplugged podcast, Oma and Ren. Say hi to everybody.
[00:00:20] Speaker B: Hi.
[00:00:22] Speaker A: And today we're going to be talking about what happens when a partner is secretive. Is it a good sign because it shows that they're taking some time to. To let you into their space, or should you drop them? Let's talk about it.
All right, guys, today we're going to discuss what should we do when a partner is too secretive about their life?
[00:00:43] Speaker C: Right.
[00:00:43] Speaker A: I know you guys already have some thoughts, so let's read. Let's read the Dear Christine question, and then we'll go from there. Dear Christine, I met Marlon a year ago, and we went out to dinner once a week and talked on the phone several days out of the week for five months. He has been divorced twice. And I lost two husbands, one to heart disease and the other to cancer. So first of all, he's been divorced twice. I want y' all to. We're. We're thinking about that. Right?
[00:01:11] Speaker C: Okay. So he's been divorced twice, and her husband.
[00:01:15] Speaker A: She's lost two husbands.
[00:01:17] Speaker C: Okay, Right.
[00:01:17] Speaker A: Of natural causes.
[00:01:18] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:01:19] Speaker A: Yeah. So just.
[00:01:20] Speaker C: We just.
[00:01:21] Speaker A: We'll stick a pin there.
[00:01:23] Speaker C: Twice.
[00:01:23] Speaker A: She's a.
[00:01:23] Speaker C: Twice.
[00:01:24] Speaker B: Twice.
[00:01:24] Speaker A: Twice widowed, Right.
[00:01:25] Speaker C: Twice divorced.
[00:01:26] Speaker A: No. Okay, so we have twice widowed and twice divorced. All right, cool. Great. So she goes on to say that she's invited him over to her house, Right? Like, family members have met her.
You know, her family members have met him. She has not been able to do that. She hasn't been able to go to his house. She hasn't been able to meet any of the family members and. Or anything. He told her that he did have an ex girlfriend who came to his house and then subsequently broke up with him. After they went to his house. She did a little digging, found out he has a roommate. He lives with a male roommate during the week. The male roommate leaves on the weekends. And then Ren already has thoughts.
[00:02:07] Speaker B: Okay. The male roommate leaves on a weekend.
[00:02:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:02:09] Speaker C: To live, where to go where? That's what you're trying to figure out.
[00:02:13] Speaker A: Let me zoom in. That's not. That's not in the question.
But yeah.
So she thought that the roommate was a woman, found out that the roommate is a man. So she's like, but, you know, why can't I come to your house? And he's basically saying, the last woman who came to my house left me, and I don't want you to do that. So we can hang out by you, we can go to your family's house. But this part of my life is separate.
[00:02:37] Speaker B: And they were dating for how long?
[00:02:38] Speaker A: They've been dating now for eight months.
[00:02:40] Speaker B: Eight months?
[00:02:40] Speaker C: Yeah. I mean he could be traumatized as well, but that happens after the birth. The previous relationship where some person left you after coming to your house, at.
[00:02:51] Speaker B: Which point like where's the time frame for you to then allow her into that space?
[00:02:56] Speaker C: Right. Yeah. And why is your house okay for the roommate but not for your girlfriend?
[00:03:02] Speaker D: Start your day with the Nation News E Paper. Enjoy the accessibility and new upgrades of the Nation News E Paper daily. Whether on our mobile app, our Nation News website for added convenience, use our new audio read feature which reads the newspaper aloud or look in the archives for any publications you may have missed. Get your news, your time, your way with the Nation News E Paper and enjoy our new upgrades.
[00:03:33] Speaker A: That's a good question. So the question that we're answering today, right, for the audience and us here, if the person you're dating won't talk about their past, their friends or their day, is that privacy or a red flag?
[00:03:50] Speaker C: So that is a red flag.
[00:03:52] Speaker A: Okay, so in terms of your own.
[00:03:55] Speaker C: Experiences, cuz your day, something as simple as your day, if you don't want to talk about your friends, I mean that's still a red flag. But your day being at something so simple.
[00:04:06] Speaker A: So where does the line come where we can say okay this is privacy, right? So I'm going to keep certain things away from my partner. And this is now secrecy. Like where do you think the line is? Like for friends, for example, how much of your friends lives should you share with your partner?
[00:04:25] Speaker C: I mean in the beginning of a relationship I do believe that you can be surface. I do believe in being surface level when I first meet some person, I'm not going to divulge in my all of my deep dark secrets like that's later down the road. Like I gotta get you to like me first.
I definitely gotta get you to like me.
[00:04:46] Speaker B: So most people do.
[00:04:48] Speaker C: Yes, most people do it.
[00:04:50] Speaker B: Yeah, that's true.
[00:04:51] Speaker C: Because people weaponize stuff against you too. Like you know, if you tell some person that you did this or you did that in your past. I mean I've been in a relationship before where some person weaponize my past against me. Like what am I supposed to do right, about somebody that five, six years ago? Right.
[00:05:07] Speaker A: Okay. All right. So how much of your friends business. How much of your friends tea can you should you share with your partner.
[00:05:17] Speaker B: And red this issue already.
[00:05:21] Speaker C: It was not issue.
[00:05:22] Speaker B: It wasn't an issue. But it's like, all right, it's becoming too much. Maybe not so much. Okay. But I think it's like you're just so comfortable with this part.
[00:05:30] Speaker C: Partner.
[00:05:31] Speaker B: The partner knows the person, so it's like they're not in contact with the person. If I want somebody to just vent to such and such happened. Cuz sometimes I do it too. But certain things you have to keep from that partner. Because sometimes the way my friends live, I don't live. So then I don't want you to think this is also my lifestyle and then judge me for something that somebody else is doing.
So it gets to a point.
[00:05:58] Speaker C: Yeah, because you then share some person's secrets too. Because we have our own relationship. And then me and my partner have our own relationship as well.
So it's like me telling you my friend's business and that's where you have to draw the line, Correct? Yeah. So like minor thing is like oh, we did this or whatever. But you can't be confiding in me and then I go in and tell it to some person else.
[00:06:22] Speaker B: Because sometimes then that same person come back and use that information against you.
[00:06:26] Speaker C: You and you know these men.
[00:06:28] Speaker B: Your friend. Ex.
[00:06:31] Speaker C: Know these men. Oh my God.
[00:06:33] Speaker A: Tell us about these men. Tell. Tell us about these men.
[00:06:35] Speaker B: Right?
[00:06:36] Speaker C: No, honestly. Cuz men have a habit of doing that to women using their friends. Like what you just said? Yeah, like I have a friend who parties a lot. Oh yeah, you would.
But that's not my character. But you weaponizing something that some person else is doing.
[00:06:54] Speaker B: I sent her so innocent initially want me come and go tonight, but I wasn't in the mood. I want to rent out again tonight.
[00:07:01] Speaker C: It's not your business. Yeah, Omar freaked out about this. Has nothing to do with you.
[00:07:09] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:07:11] Speaker C: Nothing at all.
[00:07:12] Speaker A: So we're keeping lines. And do you think that those lines should be something that you have to like establish in every relationship? Like maybe it shifts or do you think that I have this? This is my boundary. This is what I'm not going to talk about, regardless of who I'm in a relationship with.
[00:07:28] Speaker C: I mean, you do have to set boundaries in a relationship. It doesn't matter.
You yourself have your own personal boundaries.
So it does go for every relationship. Some person needs to accept you and meet you at where you are. I do believe in that. Because a lot of people, as soon as they get into a relationship, they try to change for the person, right? You have to be your own individual self because then you start to breed this resentment after a while because you're not who you are. Like today, you're this pick me girl. You know me.
You know how I feel about you. Pick me.
[00:08:02] Speaker A: No, I don't know. Tell us why. I'm just so. I'm so deeply invested.
[00:08:07] Speaker C: Like, no, like girls are those girls that try to change with the relationship.
You don't have an identity at this.
[00:08:16] Speaker B: Point, so it changed based on the partner. All right. You're just trying to fit in with this person. Okay.
[00:08:21] Speaker C: Cuz you want this body to choose you. I love you.
[00:08:25] Speaker B: But really some things, it can shift. Because if she say you're just looking for love, you just want somebody to love you, but you're not loving yourself. So when you're not loving yourself, somebody can't 100% love you, cuz who are you? Right? Yeah.
[00:08:38] Speaker A: Okay, so in terms of having an identity, right? And like knowing who you are regardless of who you're in a relationship with, when you approach someone or when you say, like, okay, I like this person, let's see if we can get into a relationship. What level of openness do you expect from the other person and how open are you with them? And I mean, let's give it a timeline. Let's say like within the first six months.
[00:09:05] Speaker B: That's a long time.
[00:09:08] Speaker C: Yeah. Okay. Six months is the whole. Like I should be married, honestly, with kids in six months.
[00:09:13] Speaker B: I feel it.
I feel it. I can make it to six months. Is somebody. It is serious.
I am telling you.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:09:21] Speaker B: And I usually don't get there because it's like I just.
[00:09:24] Speaker C: Come on, Lara, I'm not doing this for you today.
[00:09:27] Speaker B: If I make it to six months, it is serious. I don't waste my time. Okay. So I think I am pretty open at that point.
[00:09:34] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:09:34] Speaker B: It seems like a short time, but that's a long time for me.
[00:09:37] Speaker A: Okay. And it's a long time for you outside of the fact that you said you've never gotten, or you don't get to six months very often. What, what happens?
[00:09:47] Speaker C: What happens?
[00:09:49] Speaker A: I want to. Let's talk about this. What happened?
[00:09:52] Speaker C: You do not.
[00:09:54] Speaker A: What happens, like in between day zero and day. What's, what's, what's the month times six, I don't know what it is. But between day zero and day 100 and whenever you cut them off, what happens is, is, is it like they're not, they're not telling you enough. They're asking for Too much.
[00:10:13] Speaker B: What happened?
[00:10:14] Speaker A: What's going on?
[00:10:15] Speaker B: I just think that.
[00:10:18] Speaker C: What happens almost.
[00:10:19] Speaker B: Because, I mean, the relationship is not escalating as I think it should. It's like.
[00:10:24] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:10:24] Speaker B: It's just that. It's just boring. All right.
I feel like by week one, we should already be on one or two dates. Like.
[00:10:31] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:10:32] Speaker B: Those kind of things. So I feel like, all right, we are two weeks. We ain't on a date yet. I don't waste my time.
[00:10:37] Speaker A: Gotcha.
[00:10:38] Speaker B: So now I say, like, if we make it to six months, right. It is serious.
[00:10:42] Speaker A: And so for you, you start and you lead with openness.
[00:10:45] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:10:46] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:10:47] Speaker C: Unrealistic goals.
[00:10:50] Speaker A: Okay, so we have.
[00:10:52] Speaker C: We have what, two weeks already in week one?
[00:10:57] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:10:58] Speaker B: I'm so serious.
[00:10:59] Speaker C: He probably doesn't work. That's probably why he's probably unemployed, because.
[00:11:03] Speaker B: So I guess I like two weeks.
[00:11:05] Speaker C: What are you talking about?
Has a lot of R L.
[00:11:12] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:11:12] Speaker C: You. You live in a fairy tale world.
[00:11:14] Speaker B: Sometimes I do get it. So it's like, why can't this person do it? And this.
[00:11:18] Speaker C: Because one person may be able to afford it. One, because I tell people, if you start dating some person, you need a budget.
[00:11:26] Speaker B: Honestly, to me, you need a budget.
[00:11:30] Speaker C: It's expensive.
[00:11:31] Speaker B: Men in a relationship, we are all.
[00:11:35] Speaker C: That's probably why it doesn't make it fast.
[00:11:37] Speaker B: Because it's money.
[00:11:37] Speaker C: But probably this money probably run out by date number three. Because what you cannot know. That doesn't make any sense.
[00:11:46] Speaker D: I'm a hit.
[00:11:48] Speaker A: I'm here to moderate.
[00:11:49] Speaker B: How are we doing in the meantime? Like, why.
[00:11:53] Speaker C: One day a week maybe. And I mean, dating doesn't always have to be. Because for me personally, I am not an expensive date put out there.
[00:12:02] Speaker B: But trying to date me. Make an effort. You don't. All right, you want to go to the beach today, just get two cocktails. You just go on the beach, lay down, you could go golfing. Let me go for something expensive.
Like, if you're not planning stuff we'll be talking about every day. So then I get bored, right?
[00:12:23] Speaker C: No, but you be realistic. With two dates in one week, you can talk on your phone.
[00:12:31] Speaker B: I feel like you should like me enough to want.
[00:12:33] Speaker C: He may not be able to afford me.
[00:12:36] Speaker A: So what I'm hearing. Hold on, wait.
What I'm hearing as the objective third party.
[00:12:42] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:12:42] Speaker B: I think.
[00:12:43] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:44] Speaker A: Right now what I'm hearing is that you are leading heart wide open.
[00:12:49] Speaker C: Yeah, right.
[00:12:50] Speaker A: Like you are leading to. No, no, no. Because if you're saying that you want to hang out with someone and you want to be in their physical space, right?
[00:12:58] Speaker C: Or you want to be with them physically.
[00:13:00] Speaker A: There is a level of openness that comes with that.
[00:13:03] Speaker C: Because Financialness. Yeah.
[00:13:05] Speaker A: Wait, because to your credit, you did say, like, you're fine with, like, some cocktails on the beach, like, a walk. You mentioned golf, which. But the cocktail. But okay, but if you can do.
[00:13:17] Speaker C: Cocktails are pretty expensive right now. A cocktail is like $30.
[00:13:20] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:13:20] Speaker C: Like, it just so $60. I mean, I got. God, drink water.
So I mean, just make an effort.
[00:13:30] Speaker B: This is her economic police.
[00:13:33] Speaker A: So, okay, so for you, openness comes from physicality, right?
[00:13:37] Speaker C: And being in their presence.
[00:13:39] Speaker A: And what about you? What do you think is. Is openness? In that first few months of dating, you mentioned talking on the phone.
[00:13:48] Speaker C: So for you, not communication. For me, communication works best for me.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: Okay, so you mean, like, we talking, like, millennial talking on the phone? Are we talking, like, Gen Z texting?
[00:13:58] Speaker B: Both. R is both. I think she's more man than the other.
[00:14:01] Speaker C: Okay, I am. I am.
[00:14:02] Speaker B: Yeah. I am.
[00:14:03] Speaker C: Not really a big test. No tax person or social media person.
[00:14:07] Speaker B: Love. Communication. Love.
[00:14:09] Speaker C: Like, that is my love. Language, communication.
[00:14:12] Speaker B: I'm like, why is he calling me?
[00:14:15] Speaker A: Right? You want to see him in person?
[00:14:17] Speaker B: We talked already.
[00:14:18] Speaker C: For the morning. Like, no, she's literally freak out. Like, what? What do you mean? Like, I think that that's so cute. Like, he's calling to check on me, you know?
[00:14:29] Speaker B: Like. Like, I don't like that man. Like, we do this this morning, right?
[00:14:33] Speaker C: So he shouldn't call you for the rest of the day. Like, how many calls?
[00:14:36] Speaker B: What if he, like, calls something? What are you calling about?
[00:14:40] Speaker A: Okay, so what I want so honestly, right, the two of you sound like you're doing the same thing. You're just doing it in different contexts. So for you, again, you're leading with that openness, but in a physical space. Space. And your openness is coming through, actually being able to sit in your own individual spaces and have that connection, like, on the telephone. So you're both being open. You just want to do it in different ways.
[00:15:02] Speaker B: True.
[00:15:03] Speaker A: Yeah. So what types of things are we talking about in this? First, let's cut. Let's pull it back to three months. Just for you, in this first three months, what type of things are we talking about? Like, how open are we being? I mean, you did say that you experienced somebody weaponizing your past against you. Has that affected how you navigate what you're willing to talk about early in stages.
[00:15:23] Speaker C: In the early stages, because that person is no longer Here, obviously.
[00:15:27] Speaker A: But you mean they're no longer alive?
[00:15:30] Speaker B: We don't know.
[00:15:37] Speaker A: Okay. There was a seriousness to when you were like that person no longer here. So I'm like, are they dead? What is going on?
[00:15:44] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:15:44] Speaker A: They're just no longer in your orbit.
[00:15:47] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:47] Speaker A: Okay, carry on.
So they're no longer here.
[00:15:52] Speaker C: I mean, but has that affected you?
[00:15:54] Speaker A: Like, how has it affected you?
[00:15:56] Speaker C: If it has, I really don't hold on to things much. I don't hold on to anything. So it has an effect to me. Like in my next dating relationship, I'm a very open person. Once I get to feel comfortable, I have to feel comfortable with a person and I have to feel safe. In that past relationship, I never felt safe. Like, every time I have to speak about something, I felt anxious or small because I know the person is going to minimize what I have to say.
[00:16:24] Speaker A: Right.
[00:16:25] Speaker C: And be like, oh, you just being dramatic. Oh, you, you know, like, you know how people like to downplay something that they're doing to you. Right. But now I feel, am I new relationship? I. You know, it's okay in the first three months, but I just like to keep it surface level. Get her another person.
What are we doing? What are you looking for?
Do you have a girlfriend?
What else?
[00:16:55] Speaker B: Does somebody think you're their boyfriend? Honestly, very important questions, questions.
[00:17:02] Speaker C: I want to know. I just enjoy each other's company. Just talk about, you know, we don't have to talk about each other. We could just talk about anything, Anything that's happening in, like, people think that they always have to be so deep and talk about their self. Right. You don't need to divulge everything about yourself the first three months in a relationship, in my opinion, because you don't know if this is going to last. And then this person have all of your details out there. I think that adds a bit much. Okay. And that's a mistake a lot of us made as women.
[00:17:32] Speaker B: Okay. So then they don't take nice being secretary. They think that's just being private.
[00:17:36] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:17:37] Speaker B: Just being private for now.
[00:17:38] Speaker C: For now.
[00:17:38] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:38] Speaker A: Okay. Until you feel, as you mentioned, I love that you said safe.
[00:17:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:42] Speaker A: Because there's like an emotional safety.
[00:17:44] Speaker C: Right? Yeah.
[00:17:45] Speaker A: And I wonder if maybe like that is in terms of the question that we talked about before, like, maybe that's part of what the writer is asking. Like, I don't feel safe with this person because he's not allowing me into his sphere. I've allowed him, but like, he's not doing the same thing. So how can I Feel safe like continuing this relationship. And I think once you start asking questions about whether the person you're with.
[00:18:07] Speaker C: Is safe for your emotional well being.
[00:18:09] Speaker B: It'S time to go.
[00:18:11] Speaker A: Leave that man.
[00:18:12] Speaker C: Yeah. I do not believe that that man.
[00:18:16] Speaker B: Alone, if the person's not safe. But are you. Are you communicating these things, emotionally invested, and then it is harder for you to leave later down the road. If at 8 months you having these issues, it is not going to get better. I am telling you because you are accepting it now. If you don't speak and say something now two years down the line. Well, when we was together at eight months, he wasn't saying anything. It was fine. Why do I need to share this now?
[00:18:44] Speaker C: As I was about to say, like, has the person communicated this, like, really final irukas not do your own FBI investigation? You know, we women love to do some investigation, but she did.
[00:19:00] Speaker A: She drove by his house. She was like, I know where he lives. I'm gonna go suss out the situation.
[00:19:03] Speaker C: That is a bit stalkerish, and that.
[00:19:05] Speaker B: Is exactly where she needs to leave. Because you shouldn't be put in that situation. She's a victim.
[00:19:10] Speaker C: She is.
[00:19:12] Speaker B: She is a victim.
[00:19:13] Speaker C: You always get to victimize women. Stop this.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: She is a victim.
[00:19:20] Speaker C: Why are you doing it at home.
[00:19:21] Speaker B: After eight months, Renisha, let me just be real. After eight months, I don't know where you live.
[00:19:27] Speaker C: I like to look at it from both sides.
[00:19:29] Speaker B: He is a man, Renisha.
After you're talking to somebody for eight months, Renisha, you don't know where they live. They're just coming by you all the time.
Take eight months.
[00:19:40] Speaker A: So it's not a red flag to you?
[00:19:41] Speaker C: I mean, it is a red flag, but I still like to find out from the other person's perspective. You know, I'm always trying to find out both sides of the story. Okay, because you don't know why this person is being so secretive.
[00:19:54] Speaker A: Well, he said the last time he let a woman into his house, she broke up with him.
[00:19:57] Speaker C: And that's traumatic. Maybe he liked the person.
Maybe he had really liked that person and that hurt him.
Maybe he likes this one and he doesn't want her to leave and she will.
[00:20:09] Speaker B: She just not goes where he lives.
[00:20:15] Speaker C: On Malara. You know what? No, no, no, no, no, no.
[00:20:19] Speaker A: But I think that's a really good segue because do you think then that sometimes that secrecy and we're. Again, we're using your distinction between secrecy and privacy, but do you think sometimes that does point to maybe somebody's gone through something traumatic. They've, you know, somebody's cheated on them or they've experienced something wrong. So you're coming from it at the. At it from the perspective of like, well, maybe homeboy was like about to propose, you know, and he let her into his house.
She left him. And now he's like.
[00:20:48] Speaker C: And he's hurt.
[00:20:49] Speaker B: Yeah, women left him before too.
[00:20:52] Speaker A: That's true.
[00:20:53] Speaker C: And he was divorced twice, so he's eight months may not be enough time for him. And you know, men are way slower than women. I'm not trying to cry down men or anything, but like, they. We women, we meet you today. And this is my husband. Like, I already planned my. Oh, Malara, already.
[00:21:09] Speaker B: That is me. So within two weeks, I don't see it going anywhere. You have to go the next color. I don't have anything to wear.
We was already at the altar. Please.
[00:21:21] Speaker C: Omar meets you today and is picking out her dress in her head.
[00:21:25] Speaker B: I serious, I swear.
[00:21:29] Speaker C: You know what? I know I do it with intentions, but you know, a lot of men don't. And for me, I just think that we women need to let these men come to this on their own.
[00:21:43] Speaker A: But. Okay, so could it be a case of where you're both correct? Right? Like, I'm not trying to date you for eight months and I've never stepped foot in your house. That's madness.
And okay, I like you a lot. I maybe love you. But like, because I've been divorced twice and this person came to my house and like left, I am just hesitant.
[00:22:05] Speaker C: Yeah. Take things slow.
[00:22:07] Speaker A: Then what happens?
[00:22:08] Speaker B: What happens there?
[00:22:09] Speaker A: Do you think there's a misstep match?
Should they break up?
You know, are we saying like, leave that man's or are we saying give him a little bit more time?
Like have. Have some more conversations maybe.
[00:22:21] Speaker B: Maybe give it. Have some more conversations and give it a little more time.
[00:22:24] Speaker C: Not only because I find too because it happens to me. Do not try to only pinpoint all of the bad that this person has done. Because what you say they didn't invite you to a wedding and you haven't been to his house. But what else is he doing?
[00:22:41] Speaker B: He's still showing up by your family gatherings. He's still showing up and stuff like that. But we just like to look for problems.
[00:22:50] Speaker C: Exactly.
You know, I'm always on immense side. Like, just give him a break, please. Maybe month night he was going to invite her. Okay. Y' all need to be patient as women.
[00:23:01] Speaker A: So we're telling her to wait four more. How many more Months.
[00:23:04] Speaker B: We giving him maybe three. Honestly, realistically, three. Three more months we have this conversation. Let me see how we progress from here. Giving treatments.
[00:23:12] Speaker C: Honestly, after our conversation. You definitely do have. Because I dated some person in my past, and I have not been to his house. We dated for, like, three years. I spoke about it. Spoke about this on the podcast. We did it for three years, and I have. I've been to his house once.
[00:23:28] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:23:29] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:29] Speaker A: Okay. But that was for you. That was private. He was being private, but not secret.
[00:23:34] Speaker C: I think he was just too immature.
[00:23:36] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:23:37] Speaker C: Yeah, I think that that was it. He was just way too immature.
Yeah. Red flag. Okay.
[00:23:45] Speaker A: It was a red flag. Is this a red flag that you noticed early on, or did it take, like, time away from the relationship for you to understand that it was a red flag?
[00:23:55] Speaker C: It depends. Because, like, for me, I don't like going to people's house.
[00:23:59] Speaker A: Oh, okay.
[00:24:00] Speaker C: So at first it didn't bother me, not going, you know, not being invited to yourselves. I prefer you to come to my house. I feel safer with you being at my house than me going to some person's house where I have to, like, you know, a certain way, sit a certain way.
I don't like that.
[00:24:15] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:24:16] Speaker C: You come to the comfort of my home. Right.
[00:24:19] Speaker B: But, Ryan, I think you did pick up a lot of advice in the beginning.
[00:24:23] Speaker C: Ask a question about the living situation.
For sure.
Hey, listen.
[00:24:30] Speaker B: Picked up a lot of red flags. His personality as well. Yes, he is a nice guy. But then she was like, you know, that's just his personality. That's just what he is. We end up making excuses.
[00:24:40] Speaker C: Pretty person.
[00:24:41] Speaker B: Yeah, we make excuses, and it doesn't sit well with us, but we make an excuse and, like, oh, that's just him. Right.
[00:24:48] Speaker A: But you ignored the red flag. Is that.
[00:24:50] Speaker C: I mean, there was a carnival of red flags.
[00:24:54] Speaker A: I mean, let me get a little.
[00:24:55] Speaker C: Bit more comfortable of red flags. I can't even remember all of them. But, like, obviously for me, it was that in the end, not being invited to his house. And then because we growing, we grown.
[00:25:09] Speaker B: People, I don't want to be in your home all the time. It's like. It's strange.
[00:25:13] Speaker C: Like, it's so odd.
Yeah. And not initiating dates, you know, communication.
[00:25:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:21] Speaker C: Is a big issue for me. Like, days will pass. Like, I can tell you, I told him one time, I'm like, I can count how many times you've called me for the week.
I don't think that that's normal. I may be asking too much for you to pick up your phone and say, hello, how was your day going? Or whatever, or good morning. Right. But he was more a text Gen Z person.
[00:25:43] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:25:43] Speaker A: And that doesn't vibe with your millennial on the phone?
[00:25:47] Speaker B: No. Okay.
[00:25:48] Speaker C: No.
[00:25:48] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:25:48] Speaker A: And I'm old school.
[00:25:50] Speaker B: You know what? She tried and she tried and she tried for a long time. Way longer than I would, but she tried.
[00:25:56] Speaker A: And so, well, you know, at the end of the day, if it's a mismatch, it's a mismatch.
[00:26:00] Speaker C: Definitely a mismatch.
[00:26:02] Speaker A: Maybe he'll find somebody that prefers testing.
[00:26:04] Speaker C: And I told him that you should find a test sister. Okay.
[00:26:09] Speaker A: I feel like that's good advice.
[00:26:11] Speaker C: Men just don't like to move on.
That is the issue that I had with him.
[00:26:16] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:26:17] Speaker C: So, you know, somebody's no longer serving you emotionally, physically, and, like, and they just don't want to move on.
That was my issue with him.
[00:26:28] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:26:29] Speaker C: So I could attach it, get some T shirts made, a cap.
Just move on. It's not working.
[00:26:38] Speaker A: So is that something that you noticed? You mentioned a plethora of red flags that she ignored. Is that something that you noticed? Like, if you look back, can you think of a red flag that maybe led to that space where it's like, this man can't move on? And I experienced that in, like, week.
[00:26:53] Speaker C: Three where, I mean, it's me.
I know you want to stay with me, but you have to.
[00:27:00] Speaker B: You gotta go. You gotta go.
[00:27:03] Speaker A: I have to go.
[00:27:04] Speaker C: Right?
[00:27:04] Speaker B: I know.
In so many different ways. I mean, like she said, you could put it on a T shirt.
And it's like, you know, it's not working. You know it's not working. Just leave.
[00:27:16] Speaker C: And this is this happened to you as well?
[00:27:18] Speaker B: Like, and again, referring ring with try and try and try. I don't want try. I want to call the police on attempt number three. I need to call the cops.
[00:27:27] Speaker C: But after you give so many chances, chance after chance, you know, you try to work through this, you start calling for a week. We spoke about this. Yeah. Before you start, because I complain about calling, so you start back calling for, like, a week. But that's just not you.
[00:27:43] Speaker B: Right.
[00:27:43] Speaker C: Okay. You know, like, that's just not in you. So you're trying to change for me.
You can't last because you're not the type of person you pretended. That's not you.
[00:27:52] Speaker A: Is that a red flag?
[00:27:54] Speaker C: That is a red flag. Move on. You need to move on.
A lot of people don't want to move on.
[00:28:02] Speaker A: So is that something again? Like, is there A way we can figure out whether that's a red flag, like, early in the relationship. Because the move on part comes, hey, we're not working out. Time for you to go, right? I'm gonna go my way. You go your way.
[00:28:12] Speaker B: With men, we can figure it out early because men are not good at pretending. They can't pretend for too long.
[00:28:18] Speaker C: Honestly, I think that's a little difficult to figure out if this person is going to be, you know, keep popping up, you know, showing up at your house or messaging or, oh, I, you know, let me work on this. I miss you. I only love you. I don't want date.
[00:28:33] Speaker A: So wait, wait. Is that. Is that good or is that a red flag?
[00:28:36] Speaker C: That is like, this is your person. No, not just showing up to your housing. That's a bit.
[00:28:41] Speaker A: That's the right one.
[00:28:41] Speaker B: I hate that. Oh, my God. I don't care how you say, you know, like, don't do this. You don't want me do it to you. Like, I don't care to my house they want. Like, and it is so crazy because.
[00:28:54] Speaker C: I don't want you to show up to my house and you bought the wrong place.
[00:28:57] Speaker B: I was, like, actually experiencing that right now. And I don't know.
[00:29:00] Speaker A: I don't know what to do.
[00:29:01] Speaker B: I am going through that right now. Like, how do I get this to stop?
[00:29:07] Speaker C: I didn't want it to cry. Like, I wanted to cry the other day.
[00:29:11] Speaker B: Like.
[00:29:11] Speaker C: Like, I had to, like, zone out.
[00:29:12] Speaker B: To the conversation actually in tears. Like, why is this happening? Like, just stop this.
[00:29:19] Speaker A: So blocking.
Nothing has block off of everything.
[00:29:25] Speaker B: Everything. Like, I don't know what to do.
[00:29:28] Speaker A: Yeah, call the police.
[00:29:29] Speaker C: Honestly, no.
[00:29:31] Speaker B: And it's like, I don't want to get to that point because of the person, you know, but it's like. And I'm like, stop. He's like, I can't.
[00:29:38] Speaker C: Like, no, but it's not. I don't think it's a case where you need to call the police. I just need men to understand that, yes, we broke up.
And you're not only affecting my healing, you know, because I know it's hard for people to let go and move on. It is very difficult.
It's borderline, you know, stalking and unhealthy and stuff like that. But you doing that is actually affecting this person as well. From healing and. And moving on because she wants to move on. And you popping up, it's not.
It's not gonna help. So I find that.
Just give the person that space to. To heal even a year we could still be friends later on, but not right now when it's so raw and.
[00:30:25] Speaker B: You'Re almost becoming selfish.
[00:30:27] Speaker C: Yeah, you be. Yeah. Super selfish.
[00:30:29] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:30:30] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:30:30] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:30:31] Speaker A: Yeah, Understood.
[00:30:32] Speaker C: Okay, let me stop.
[00:30:33] Speaker A: Let's move away.
Let's move away from that because that was heavy.
[00:30:37] Speaker C: Leave my friend alone.
Don't cut this out. Leave her alone. You know who you are.
[00:30:43] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:30:46] Speaker C: Hopefully we get it. I guess the T shirt is made.
[00:30:50] Speaker A: Listen, whatever works.
[00:30:52] Speaker B: Okay?
[00:30:53] Speaker A: I mean, we do have the widest media network in my base.
[00:30:56] Speaker C: No, he will be watching.
[00:30:57] Speaker B: That's almost fake.
[00:30:59] Speaker A: He will be watching.
[00:31:00] Speaker C: We gotta get a nation to block him. Honestly, we have to get you to blot him.
[00:31:05] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:31:06] Speaker C: So I even blocked him off of my. My work pages. Like, it's gone there as well. Yeah. I saw him in the supermarket the other day. I didn't. Went through a different aisle.
[00:31:18] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay, so. Okay, cool. So we'll.
[00:31:23] Speaker B: It's okay.
[00:31:24] Speaker A: We can recalibrate.
So talking about this inability to move on, it's a red flag, right? Again, you only get to it, like, at the end. End of the relationship, but you're trying to shake them off, but they're like a dog that's holding on to your past.
[00:31:37] Speaker C: Like, right.
When we.
[00:31:40] Speaker A: So when it comes to this space and not to victim blame, we're not saying you should figure this out.
[00:31:46] Speaker C: Right.
[00:31:47] Speaker A: However, if we are honest, do we sometimes, like, see red flags and ignore them? And this is. Let's talk about outside of this context. Right? With. With what you're going through right now. Let's talk about just in general.
What are some things, as you think back in relationships, what are some things you could think? Like, you know, this was a red flag. And then it came out later, like, I knew this person was gonna be a slob because every time they took their clothes off, they just walked out of their clothes. You know what I mean? And it's like, now I'm upset that the house is always dirty.
Yeah. But I knew at month three, because we're just gonna.
[00:32:25] Speaker C: You don't get to six yet.
I think I said this to you before.
People have a fear of being alone.
And I find that attraction usually gets the better of people's judgment because you may meet this guy and he's super sexy. And I've been in a relationship like that too. Like, super cute. We look cute together. Power couple you got. Everybody sees us. You look so good together. You look. That's all you're hearing?
Yeah.
But really, truly, this person really is a horrible person.
[00:33:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:06] Speaker C: But you just suck on the attraction and how it looks, you know, picture ways or whatever.
[00:33:10] Speaker B: But I'm just making excuses.
You know what? It's whatever. It's not that big a deal.
[00:33:17] Speaker A: Right.
[00:33:17] Speaker B: And just ignoring the red flags. And then when it comes down to it, it was like, you know, just like, it was just a lot.
So I think we just made excuses because, like, you know, everybody see me together. We love Leah.
[00:33:29] Speaker C: And you don't want to let go.
[00:33:30] Speaker B: This girl, but it's like, he really isn't a nice person. And not just for men. Women too, because they got so many.
[00:33:38] Speaker C: That look so good and you can't believe it.
[00:33:43] Speaker B: Honestly.
[00:33:44] Speaker C: Yeah. And those Instagram relationships.
[00:33:47] Speaker A: Wait, okay, wait, no, let's unpack that. Yeah, this is love unpacked. So we're unpacking.
[00:33:52] Speaker B: What's an Instagram version of this person is a red flag. But you are so caught up in this whole Instagram world.
[00:33:59] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:34:00] Speaker B: That you just have to keep carrying this on to show face. And you actually inhale so in how.
[00:34:06] Speaker C: No, but, like, Instagram relationship goes even deeper because I be invested in your relationship just based on saving photos on Instagram. I think they're super cute.
[00:34:14] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:34:15] Speaker C: And I'm like, what happened? Anything that people need to give us, you know, I think that people need to give us, people on Instagram closure.
[00:34:28] Speaker B: Just pop up the videos.
You guys sit together, let us know why we're gonna part.
Yeah.
[00:34:38] Speaker C: And do not make it big. Please don't make it big. Like, we've decided that this is a spiritual journey. And we decided, you know, celebrities have been doing that now, right?
[00:34:48] Speaker A: Conscious uncoupling, you know, like, they do like a.
[00:34:50] Speaker C: A write up.
[00:34:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:52] Speaker C: Y' all don't need to be celebrities. Like, I mean, people like me and you, I need closure because I feel like I've invested in your relationship. You guys on a beach, drinking coconut water, and it's cute.
[00:35:04] Speaker B: Just putting up these big polls. Oh, don't ignore red flags in the beginning.
Eight years later. So you was ignoring this red flag for eight years. Tell me more.
[00:35:15] Speaker C: And the pictures are super. Like, the aesthetic on your Instagram is just so amazing.
So, guys, I would appreciate if you guys, like, you know, give us closure on your Instagram relationship like that.
[00:35:30] Speaker B: And I don't think I give people closure.
[00:35:32] Speaker C: I mean, that was a nice. I was on the inner circle, so I knew what happened. But I think you should go there.
[00:35:37] Speaker B: I don't know.
[00:35:39] Speaker C: I think you should, because people still linking you to that person.
[00:35:42] Speaker A: This.
[00:35:42] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:35:43] Speaker B: So they be like, oh, how are you? And just be like, oh, we good? Everything.
[00:35:47] Speaker C: Yeah. And that also stops you from healing as well because people still thinking that this is your partner almost needs to give closure to her Instagram followers.
Why you're looking at me like that? I'm serious. You don't think so?
[00:36:09] Speaker A: It's the live call out for me.
[00:36:13] Speaker B: No, my relationship.
[00:36:14] Speaker C: That is why I do not take my relationship to Instagram.
[00:36:18] Speaker A: Okay, good.
[00:36:19] Speaker C: Perfect. No, no, no, no, no. This is perfect because this is exactly.
[00:36:23] Speaker A: Now what I want to know.
[00:36:24] Speaker B: But then think about the kind of person that I am.
[00:36:26] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:36:26] Speaker B: I meet you today, we marry tomorrow. So that is me. Yeah, that's just me.
[00:36:31] Speaker C: I'm not going to do Photoshop.
[00:36:33] Speaker B: It matches how you love love. So like when I love and this person. Person invested in me to was like, everything okay? Yeah.
[00:36:43] Speaker C: The photo shoot was a bit much. I didn't want to tell you.
[00:36:45] Speaker B: That was so cute.
It was.
[00:36:49] Speaker C: I know one couple, she's a client of mine, that her relationship is.
[00:36:55] Speaker B: You can tell about that later.
[00:36:56] Speaker C: Super. I think it's super cute. They wear matching clothes and stuff like that. You know who you are, babe. You know I love it. But like, I think he's cute.
And they got married.
[00:37:05] Speaker B: It wasn't matching and all of that though.
[00:37:06] Speaker C: But y' all did like a color coordinated shoe, you know, Like, I think it was so cute at the point, but for me, because I know it was. That's a bit cheesy.
[00:37:15] Speaker B: No, but that relationship was good. Everything was good. But it's like it ended and it just need to end and then we just move on.
[00:37:21] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:37:21] Speaker B: I don't want nobody asking me anything.
[00:37:23] Speaker C: So I do get the closure part.
[00:37:26] Speaker B: No, no, I do get the. Yeah, the meter. You know, let's not say anything. Let me just part ways and go along because I don't want to keep reliving the same conversation over and over and over. You could put something in black and white on the Internet and people are going to see red and pink and ask you a million questions like it makes no sense. So just let her do it away on its own.
[00:37:48] Speaker C: Right.
[00:37:49] Speaker B: So I get you not wanting to.
[00:37:51] Speaker C: Say anything, but you see, even the relationship with Christy and what's his name, Desmond, we needed that closure because we.
[00:38:01] Speaker B: Still didn't get it. We don't understand what really happened.
[00:38:04] Speaker C: We did understand what happened. He was kissing a woman online. Did you not see that?
[00:38:08] Speaker B: That was before or after?
[00:38:10] Speaker C: It doesn't matter. It happened.
[00:38:14] Speaker B: I feel like every breakup today and you see me With a man tomorrow. Mind your business.
We broke up yesterday. That has nothing to do with relationship.
[00:38:23] Speaker C: This is one thing that we agree on. Yup, yup.
[00:38:26] Speaker B: Please mind your business.
[00:38:28] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:38:29] Speaker B: So it matters. Was it before or after?
[00:38:31] Speaker C: But now that you say that, because you didn't give your Instagram followers closure, right. We are thinking that you're cheating, so you need to come up.
[00:38:42] Speaker B: It's okay.
[00:38:45] Speaker C: On the inside out.
[00:38:46] Speaker B: I don't mind being able to cheat her. It's okay.
[00:38:49] Speaker A: So. Okay. All right, cool.
Don't mind being labeled a cheater.
That's wild.
[00:38:55] Speaker C: But super wild.
[00:38:56] Speaker B: If that's your perspective, I understand, but I'm okay with that.
[00:39:01] Speaker A: So as we talk about that, then. And you're talking about liking cute Instagram couples, right? And the aesthetic and, you know, they do videos or what have you. What happens in terms of our. What do you guys think should happen when a couple is thinking about where are we setting boundaries with how much information we're sharing about ourselves on the Internet, to our families, to our friends?
And again, is that something that each person has to deal with individually? Like, my perspective is, if I get into a relationship, I'm never putting another partner on the Internet. Like, been there, done that.
But what happens now if you meet somebody who's like, I like you so much, and I want to tell them about my experience? Okay.
[00:39:49] Speaker B: Based on my experience, I will not be doing this.
[00:39:52] Speaker C: Right.
[00:39:52] Speaker B: And if that is. That is a boundary.
[00:39:56] Speaker C: It's always been a boundary for me.
[00:39:58] Speaker A: So you don't put anybody on the Internet?
[00:39:59] Speaker C: No, no.
[00:40:02] Speaker B: No.
[00:40:03] Speaker A: And you used to, but you don't anymore. And is that just like. Is it just like photos or videos or. You mean you don't even put that. You're in a relationship, no name, no nothing.
[00:40:13] Speaker B: If you know, you know. And if you don't, you don't.
[00:40:16] Speaker C: Instagram is. It's not real.
So for me, you know how I feel about social media.
It's not real. I don't put in my real life on social media. Okay, you just getting. Actually, you're not getting anything. But.
But I don't think so.
[00:40:34] Speaker B: There's some people that say that. Not Ren. Karen, don't post anything. There's some people that say that, oh, we're not posting my life on social media. Then I can see over your friends. I can see with your family. I can see you posting money. I can see you posting everything. But you don't want to post your partner. That complaining about you not posting them is you being secretive now. Okay, that Is where you're trying to hide this person. Person.
[00:40:55] Speaker C: No, I think that it's still fine in, like, I still think it's okay that you don't want to put that part of your life on social media unless you're married.
[00:41:05] Speaker B: That is be a big thing in relationships. One person is, oh, you don't post me. Like, even sometimes men do it. Tell women, oh, you don't post me. And the other person posting every single thing except this person.
[00:41:17] Speaker C: I got a friend like that. Like, literally, he would create a group for just you, you know, only you can see, since you complaining about it.
[00:41:26] Speaker B: Right.
[00:41:26] Speaker C: And also only you can see.
[00:41:29] Speaker B: This means so much to you, hiding.
[00:41:33] Speaker A: So to you, that's secrecy and not privacy.
[00:41:35] Speaker B: That is you being secretary.
[00:41:37] Speaker C: I think it's just leaving the door.
[00:41:38] Speaker B: Open for whoever else could come. You don't want anybody to know you're talking to anybody. Yes.
[00:41:43] Speaker C: I don't think so.
[00:41:44] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:41:44] Speaker C: I just think that certain things. Because I find another thing that is a pet peeve of mine too. Not off topic, but, like, you put in your relationship online, but you just blocking out the guy face.
[00:41:57] Speaker A: Is that privacy or secrecy?
[00:41:59] Speaker B: I don't think that is too privacy, but I think that is, like, privacy. You want people to know, you know what? I am loved. I got a partner, or whatever. But it's like, are you trying to keep this guy on the lock and key?
[00:42:10] Speaker A: Cause you women.
[00:42:12] Speaker C: Women out there are different. I'm telling you, I don't know. I don't want my partner online because no. Unless we married, we not going online.
[00:42:23] Speaker A: Okay, so how do you have that conversation? Like, in a healthy way to say, all right, let's. Let's talk about what we will and will not share. Again, social media, but also, like, okay, Ren, you're in a relationship. What happens if a person. If your partner sits down with you and says, listen, I'm gonna tell you some stuff, but I do not want you to share that with.
Like, how do you deal with that? Or vice versa? Like, do you accept that? Is it something that you are okay with? And then what. How. What happens? Like, how do you come together? How do you say, okay, as we leave this conversation or we leave this discussion, like, we're both comfortable with what we're willing to share, what we're not willing to share, and we've come to a conclusion. How does that work? Especially because you guys literally are like, I just met you, and I can tell.
[00:43:08] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:43:09] Speaker B: I think sometimes maybe I will just hand it to the person and be like, oh, okay.
[00:43:13] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:43:18] Speaker C: I'm telling you right, though, honestly.
[00:43:22] Speaker B: If.
[00:43:22] Speaker C: You don't want omo to know, don't tell me. Just please.
[00:43:27] Speaker A: So is that something that you said before?
Have you told that to a partner? Have you said to a partner, listen.
[00:43:33] Speaker C: I haven't, but, like, well, they're gonna know now if you know what Omosodon do not tell.
[00:43:39] Speaker B: Because. But then there's certain things with, like, somebody will share something that is. No. It' like, really serious. I take you and yourself for knowing. Like, yeah, I definitely can't share this. Maybe this is, like, too private. It's like, this is gonna cause confusion. Like, just leave it out. And then it's like, just don't put that pressure on me. Just don't tell me.
[00:43:55] Speaker C: I actually got to put that pressure on, like, the slightest inconvenience, like, especially if it's, like, super, like, a lot. As soon as I leave the competition, girl, I got to tell you this.
[00:44:09] Speaker B: Please knock myself.
[00:44:11] Speaker A: Wait, wait.
[00:44:13] Speaker C: Even on the drying hair this morning, girl, I know I have something to tell you. And I literally just heard it.
[00:44:20] Speaker B: I'm like, right away, Wait till we finish.
[00:44:25] Speaker C: She's like, is it inspirational or is it gonna piss me off? I said both.
All right, just tell me. Just tell me my relationships. No, I have to tell my friend. Okay, if you don't want me to.
[00:44:37] Speaker A: Know something, just don't tell me.
[00:44:39] Speaker C: Don't tell me.
[00:44:40] Speaker A: So that's something that you just set out from the beginning?
[00:44:43] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:44:43] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:44:43] Speaker C: And they didn't pick that up.
Like, based on our relationship, they just pick it up.
[00:44:48] Speaker B: Right. Sometimes somebody phone you were here.
[00:44:56] Speaker C: So they know. I think it's an unspoken, you know, rule.
[00:45:00] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:45:00] Speaker A: Okay. But for people who may not necessarily have that type of relationship with a friend, but they're still looking to. To try to get in some type of conversation, communication, something with a partner to say, listen, I don't want you to tell your mother.
[00:45:15] Speaker C: I don't want you to tell certain.
[00:45:17] Speaker A: Like, how do you. How do you do that in, like, a healthy way where, again, the person is not going to write into their casino and say, oh, my gosh, you're being secretive. Where they're going to understand that it's just about privacy and understanding that sometimes things are going to just, like, y' all have stuff that y' all will never tell anybody else about each other that, you know, sometimes you want that with your partner, too.
[00:45:35] Speaker C: I mean, you just need to tell the person. I'm not comfortable with you sharing my business. Right.
[00:45:40] Speaker B: You know, let Me just keep our business to ourselves.
We in this relationship, it's not your family that we just try to work it out. But then that can also be a form of control.
Sometimes you in a relationship with a partner, they saying that we keep this to be sad because they know they're not treating you good, but they don't want you to go and tell your friends and your family for them to kind of talk sense into you.
[00:46:03] Speaker A: Right.
[00:46:05] Speaker B: So it's two edges sort. Yeah, yeah.
[00:46:08] Speaker A: So, I mean, like, one of you all mentioned it earlier. I can't remember which one, but you did mention, like, knowing yourself, right. And like, knowing who you are. So as you go into the relationship, from the time as you mentioned, safety is important. And then from the time, you have to start questioning whether you're safe. Now you're in that space.
[00:46:25] Speaker B: Some people are so good.
Sometimes there are people that are so good and make you question yourself. Like, am I wrong? This person? Like, I'm telling you. And it gets you. It's only when you leave the situation, you tell yourself, like, wow, this person really got me.
[00:46:41] Speaker C: They're really, mind you.
[00:46:46] Speaker A: So as we wrap up, what would you suggest that someone does as they're thinking about? Maybe they're in a relationship. Maybe they're single Pringles like us.
[00:47:00] Speaker C: Like, you know what? Do not be singling me out, guys.
[00:47:04] Speaker A: I mean, listen, at the end of the day, we love, love. It's Valentine's Day. We're so excited.
[00:47:09] Speaker B: You know, what Ran said to me at the beginning of this year is like, we need to start putting things on paper. Write down the things that you want. Write down the things that you want to settle for. And it's like when you start to date somebody, you know, just stick to those things. Have these conversations.
Don't go outside your boundaries. If this ain't working, don't make excuses for people in the red flags. Just move on. There's always somebody else. There's always somebody else. Like, life could get a hundred times better. Don't settle for this thinking that, you know, this is just what I am going to get.
[00:47:43] Speaker C: Don't have unrealistic goals.
[00:47:45] Speaker A: Rules.
[00:47:48] Speaker C: Do not have unrealistic goals.
[00:47:53] Speaker A: Okay, so we're gonna.
[00:47:57] Speaker B: We will leave it there.
[00:48:02] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:48:03] Speaker A: But outside of the unrealistic goals, you've mentioned that. I mean, you did light up when you were talking about your new relationship earlier. So clearly you're in a space where you're healthy right now. You did.
[00:48:13] Speaker C: My relationship is pretty old, but yes.
[00:48:15] Speaker A: Well, yes, but your body language Shifted from when you were talking about the other person to your partner. Now, what do you think is helping the relationship to work in terms of, like, you. You mentioned you like to communicate.
You mentioned that you like to feel heard and seen. What do you think is working? And what advice would you give to our watchers, our viewers, sorry, our listeners, about moving forward with intention?
[00:48:38] Speaker C: I mean, once the person is meeting your love language that. Because I can't tell you exactly what my partner be doing because it's super unrealistic. But in my bubble, just matching our love language on both sides. So paying attention to if you can communicate with that person, as you know, because I love communication. If you do not, if you're not able to communicate with your partner, that's a big red flag, right?
[00:49:08] Speaker A: So that's.
[00:49:09] Speaker C: That's it. Okay. We communicate simple. So we keep it simple.
[00:49:13] Speaker A: So we're gonna communicate. We're gonna write down what we want and pay attention to what we don't want.
[00:49:18] Speaker C: Realistic goals set.
[00:49:19] Speaker A: Realistic. I mean, to be fair, you did say that your partner is doing unrealistic things.
[00:49:25] Speaker C: No, it's unrealistic to the average person.
[00:49:28] Speaker A: Right.
[00:49:28] Speaker C: But in my world, it's normal for cool for me.
[00:49:32] Speaker A: So ignore her. I was just listening.
So.
[00:49:37] Speaker B: Got that before. So why should I just. All right, these are my goals. This is what I want.
[00:49:41] Speaker A: You're literally.
You're the manifestation of what your best friend wants.
[00:49:49] Speaker B: But I do end up talking to.
[00:49:50] Speaker C: One or two really nice guys pool as well. That's why I say so, because my boyfriend is not from here. Okay, so the dating pool is a bit different. That's why I asked me to. Omar, if you're dating in Barbados and you date in a certain caliber of, you know, men, you cannot have unrealistic goals.
[00:50:09] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:50:10] Speaker C: With these men.
[00:50:11] Speaker A: Okay, fair enough.
Well, thank you so much, Ren and Umu for joining us. The first episode of Love Unpacked. We had a great discussion on red flags on communication, on what we want to see. So as you celebrate Valentine's Day, remember you are the most important person in your life and that you have to love yourself before anybody else. Omo. Tell us where we can find out more about.
[00:50:35] Speaker B: Thank you so much, love Unpack for having us. So we are or are unplugged. You can find us on Instagram. We are on TikTok. You can find our full episodes on YouTube. We are or are unplugged on all social media platforms.
[00:50:50] Speaker A: And thank you and be sure to look for and listen out for Love Unplugged impact on YouTube, on NationNews. Com and wherever you get your podcast. Thanks for watching. Bye Bye.
